This was the heartfelt, loving advice I received from my first 12 Step Sponsor. I had just gotten out of rehab (for the 1st time), and my sponsor was trying to keep me sober. My sponsor’s name of John, and he had a chip on his shoulder towards organized religion. However, John genuinely felt like he was helping me with his recommendation to stay away from church.

You see, in 12-step programs, there is a shared skepticism about church. It's not that recovery circles hate the church, but there's surprisingly a long history of relapse connected to church attendance. "Church" is a lot easier than hard-core recovery. Church can be squishy and less offensive than a 12-step sponsor busting your butt and getting all up in your business. I personally have seen guys and girls relapse because they quit working their programs once they started attending church.

Effective recovery programs are usually no-nonsense spirituality for dummies. The focus isn't so much on what you believe but on how you live your life. There's no beef with religion as long as that religion holds you accountable to live a clean and honest lifestyle. John had obviously been around long enough to see newcomers crash and burn once getting involved with church and just made up his mind that all religion was terrible and dangerous. I have since learned that some of the most influential and outstanding members of 12-step programs do, in fact, attend church and live great lives of Christian faith.

(It also is important to point out that as a bone-dry member of AA, my old sponsor John ended up back in prison after killing someone or trying to kill someone. He probably could have used a church service or two.)

Within my first year of getting clean and sober, I got radically saved.

I decided to brave the stigma of being an on-fire Christian and kept most of my religion to myself when attending 12-step meetings. Every once in a while, I'd get some static from the rooms, but it really wasn't that bad. However, it’s when I started working at a church that I realized things had changed. I experienced significant weirdness from my recovery people. To be honest, most of my friends ditched me. I was made to feel like I had done something wrong. However, I had only done what they had taught me. I was seeking God and wanted to know God, yet everyone got upset with me as soon as He revealed Himself to be Jesus. It was rough but Jesus was worth it.

Almost immediately, I felt the pressure to keep my recovery journey to myself. Early on I was hearing the "one step only" stuff from pastors I was around. They were excited to see my new faith in Christ, but they didn't know what to do with my life in recovery. As I looked around the church community, I didn't see anyone like me. Sure, there were some rough folks who had come out of the world like me, but no one was still actively involved in a recovering program.

It honestly wasn't too hard to keep these two parts of my life separated. I would bring up my faith in 12-step circles when I felt like it was safe and helpful. However, I found the church harder to navigate with my recovery story. I learned to just keep it to myself.

Then I got filled with the Holy Spirit. I mean FILLED. Like Holy Ghost fire.

The transition from Christian to "mind-melting power of God burning on the inside" Christian didn't help my confusion with how to identify with my recovery community. I was now even more of an anomaly.

God began using me in ministry in supernatural ways. I was beginning to pray for people who were getting legitimately healed. I was seeing people get set free of demonic bondage and was operating in the prophetic. I was also working with a sponsor and attending 12-step meetings. It all felt so weird, but I got used to it. When it was my time to share in meetings, so much of my life felt unauthorized to talk about.

Once I became a pastor, I basically went silent in both directions. I felt like my two worlds could never co-exist. In the recovery community, people would shut down once they learned I was a pastor. At church, it was the same when people heard I was still active in a 12-step program. I sadly lived this way for almost seven years.

Then I came to Daystar.

One of the most full-circle, life-changing events of my life was when I was asked to speak at the local halfway house in town, Living Free. The guys at living free all come to Daystar. They are some of the best guys in the church. I was to speak at their weekly house meeting, a recovery meeting. However, I wasn't just someone showing up to share their experience, strength, and hope. I was also their new pastor. How was I going to do this? Should I just share my story and talk about recovery? Should I stand before them and preach the gospel? I had no idea what to do.

I was so nervous that night. Probably the most nervous I've ever been to speak in my life—two huge parts of my life were being forced to converge. I couldn't hide either side. I had to have 100% of me show up that night. I don't remember all that I said, but I do remember I have never felt God so strong and so real in my life. I was home, and my story was finally whole.

I want to thank Rendell and the Living Free guys for being such a massive part of my story. I also need to thank Pastor Jerry for letting me be myself here at Daystar. I already know I'm not the same as when I first arrived.

Life is good, God is great, and Jesus is King.

Oh, and what about John, my old sponsor? Well, I'm pretty sure he's still in prison. However, I now get to be the change I want to see in recovery circles regarding the church. I also get to be the change I'd like to see in the church about recovery.